Thursday, July 3, 2025
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Needs not wants: A Gentle Discipline in a Loud World

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Abstaining from non-essential spending is not about punishment or deprivation. It is about peace. It is about learning the difference between desire (Wants) and needs, emotional impulse and intentional living.

We live in a time where we are constantly encouraged to buy more, do more, be more. It is subtle and relentless. A sale here. A must-have trend there. A haul, a link, a checkout. Before we know it, we are working harder to fund habits that do not nourish us. The noise gets louder. Our clarity fades.

Wanting to look like our favourite stars, our friends, neighbours, buying things we can’t afford, just to others like us.

I know someone who works as a courier delivery person and bought a Range Rover. took a loan to pay the deposit and then spent all his hard-earned money to try to keep up with the repayments. After 11 months of asking everyone for help with petrol, he decided to sell, but unfortunately couldn’t get the original price and got into more debt. When I asked, he said, I wanted to belong, be part of the in-crowd, – and that’s the problem there. Always wondering what people will say. A lot of this stems from low self-esteem, believing that what you have makes you who you are; it doesn’t. But that’s a topic for another day. Today, we focus on how to ensure you focus on needs to wants.

What’s the difference, you ask?

Wants are things you can do without but want to have for one reason or another, even if you can’t afford it, and needs are essentials that you need to live within your means and not get into debt.

It’s time to say no more.

You begin to reclaim that clarity when you decide to step back and say no, not today. It starts small. Not buying the extra top “just because”. Skipping the coffee out when there is one waiting at home. Letting go of the need to “treat yourself” with things that end up forgotten. It is not about never enjoying life; it is about knowing what actually feeds your soul versus what just fills a moment.

The Deeper Implications

Saying no to non-essentials reveals what you have been avoiding. Spending is often a distraction from discomfort: stress, loneliness, self-doubt. When you stop using purchases to soothe those emotions, you start facing them. That can be confronting, but it is healing.

You also start to see how much of your self-worth was wrapped up in what you wore, what you owned, and how “put together” you looked. Removing that layer brings you face to face with the real you. And if you are patient, you will realise she is more than enough.

Financially, the impact is powerful. The money you used to leak out without thinking now creates space, space to breathe, to save, to invest in what truly matters. A safety cushion. A debt repaid. A future planned with care.

How to Spend on Needs, Not Wants

  1. Pause Before You Purchase
    Ask yourself: Is this useful, necessary or just nice to have? Can it wait? Often, just delaying a decision by 24 hours clears the fog.
  2. Define Your Essentials
    Essentials are not only rent and food. They include anything that sustains your health, home, and well-being. But be honest. A gym membership that you never use is not essential. A journal you write in might be.
  3. Use Cash
    Create categories for essentials and give them strict boundaries. Seeing a limited pot forces you to be intentional. If it helps, use cash. It makes spending feel more real.
  4. Curate, Do Not Accumulate
    If you need something, choose it with care. Buy less, but better. One good coat instead of five trend-led ones. A skincare routine that works, rather than chasing every new launch.
  5. Find Emotional Alternatives
    If spending is your go-to when you feel low, find something else. Journaling, movement, calling a friend, doing nothing at all. Emotional maturity is learning to sit with discomfort without numbing it.
  6. Track It All
    Keep a simple log of what you spend. No shame, no judgment. Just awareness. Patterns will show themselves, and so will your progress.

Options for Supportive Living

  • Join a No-Spend Challenge: Alone, it is hard. With others, it feels possible.
  • Follow creators who reflect your goals: Choose voices that guide, not glamorise.
  • Set meaningful goals:  Saving for therapy, travel, a course. Something that lifts your life, not just your wardrobe.

In truth, not buying things you do not need is an act of radical care. It is a commitment to yourself. A choice to live in alignment with your values rather than the expectations of the world around you.

You are not missing out. You are tuning in.

 

 

Entry 42

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Abby:
A kept woman. Hmm. What did that even mean at the time? I didn’t really think about it too deeply. After a few weeks of settling into the luxury Chief provided, I began convincing myself I wasn’t doing anything wrong. After all, I didn’t go after him – he came after me. Morality didn’t factor into it. I needed help, and he provided it. The price? I didn’t take the time to think about what I was paying or who I might be hurting. Selfishness ruled.

Could you blame me? The luxury flat Chief gave me was around the corner from Bourdillon Road in Ikoyi. If you know Lagos, you know that’s prime property. A two-bedroom flat, tastefully furnished. A chef and housekeeper arrived every morning to do whatever I wanted. The apartment complex had an indoor gym and a swimming pool. He gave me a Toyota Land Cruiser and a driver. As for the allowance, let’s just say, it was plenty.

And then there were the trips. Chief travelled often for business, once or twice a month, and guess who became his handbag? Me. I never went to the embassy to get a visa. My passport was picked up empty and returned with visas to multiple countries. Chief travelled on a diplomatic passport, and to most places we flew private. On the rare occasion we flew commercial, I was in first class, beside or behind him.

Looking back now, I see it. I was selfish. Self-centred. I didn’t care who I was hurting. I didn’t even think about his family. Not once.

Until one day, two years into the relationship.

That day, Chief came over to the apartment. He wasn’t his usual cheerful self. He hugged me, then slumped into a chair.

“Abby, I have something to tell you,” he said.

Just then, his phone rang, and the intercom buzzed at the same time. He asked me to open the door for the guests and to excuse him as he went into the bedroom. The solemn look on his face said it all. Something serious had happened.

I thought maybe it was a bereavement.

But I was about to find out…

Chris:
“Chris, please wake up! Wake up!”

I heard the voice, distant and fading, then closer and more urgent. Slowly, I opened my eyes. Thomas was shaking me violently. Water burned my throat and nostrils as I coughed it out.

“Thank God,” he said, relieved.

“What happened?” I asked.

“We capsized,” Thomas replied. “But the dinghy is upright now. We’re trying to get everyone back in.”

He must have seen the confusion in my face because he added, “Oh, I swam in competitions in university. Don’t worry. You’re in good hands. These life vests saved most of us.”

“Most?” I repeated, alarmed.

He nodded. “A girl and her father didn’t make it. And one guy might have spinal injuries—he can’t stop screaming.”

Two other guys appeared, and with Thomas, they pulled me into the dinghy. People were soaking wet, shivering, and some were crying silently. The trawler was long gone, just a memory, and we were back to drifting.

The sun was out now, scorching. We began to dry up, slowly. Supplies were dangerously low. Each of us received two capfuls of water and one biscuit, told to chew slowly.

A woman who I believe was a nurse gave out paracetamol and told us to lie still. As for the injured man, he lay limp at the side of the boat, screaming in agony with every jolt.

The nurse whispered, “He won’t survive this trip. And if he does, he may never walk again.”

How do you process something like that?

Later, I woke up from a restless sleep. The sun was dipping again, the dinghy racing through an endless sea. Nothing but water. Not even a shark or whale in sight. Just us, floating. Drifting. Waiting.

And maybe, somewhere up there, God watching and wondering:

What, in my name, were you all thinking?

…hmmm

Entry 41

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Abby:
That night’s ordeal haunts me to this day. I made one of the greatest mistakes of my life. Notice I said “one”–because there were others. Chief did what he did, and while it wasn’t violent, it wasn’t truly consensual either. And he knew it. Because not long after, he sat beside me, sighed deeply and said, “My dear, I’m sorry. I feel guilty for what happened. I want to take care of you. Deolu is a good boy, but a woman like you needs someone mature who can ensure you have everything you want. I promise not to impose myself on you again until you feel comfortable.”

Then he added, “To start, I want to give you one of my apartments on the Island. Let’s go see it now.”

I remember sitting there, torn and violated, yes. But here was the answer to my prayer – support, stability, freedom from Deolu and his grip. My space. No more being pimped out. My decisions, my body, my choices. I told myself this was an escape. So I said yes.

“I would love that,” I whispered.

But it didn’t turn out exactly how I imagined…hmmm

Chris:
It took a while before we could make it out clearly on the horizon. At first, just a speck. But as it got closer, we realised it was a fishing trawler. And the men on board didn’t look friendly.

The tension in our dinghy shifted. The guide looked uneasy, yelling for us to hold on as the waves from the trawler churned the sea, tossing us violently. He ordered us to wave the red cloths he had given us earlier, to try and signal that we needed help. But the trawler kept heading straight for us, too fast, too deliberate.

And that’s when it hit us. They weren’t here to help. They were charging at us.

The trawler drew closer and began hurling rubbish at us – dead fish, old tins, anything they could find. Swearing, yelling in a language I didn’t understand but whose hate was unmistakable.

Our guide panicked, veered the dinghy to change direction. The trawler followed.

And then it happened.

A monstrous wave, stirred up by their engine, crashed against our dinghy. The balance broke. Screams echoed around me. The world spun. I was tossed into the air like a rag doll.

I didn’t feel the fall. Just the slap of the sea and the silence that followed.

Then, nothing.

Just blackness.

…hmmmm

Entry 40

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Abby:
Some would say I got myself into that mess—and they wouldn’t be wrong. But here’s the thing about the human mind: when you’re convinced you’re doing the right thing, even the obvious can look like a lie. I was determined to make it on my own. I turned my back on Chief—now revealed as my father—and on the man who raised me. I ignored my mother too, her secrets and her shame. I wanted independence. I wanted to prove I didn’t need them. And, for a brief, foolish moment, I thought Deolu would be my way out.

Looking back, I realise how blind I was. They say common sense isn’t so common—and in my case, it was practically extinct. Even after all he’d done, part of me still felt something for Deolu. That’s what makes manipulation so dangerous. It dresses up as care, spoils you, pampers you—until the moment it controls you.

As I ran from that house, something in me whispered to go back. “Where will you go, Abby? You’ve burnt every bridge.” And just like that, the doubt pulled me around. I stopped running. I convinced myself again—he took you in, didn’t he? Fed you, clothed you. Maybe this was his way of helping. Maybe you misread it.

So I went back. I smoothed my clothes, rehearsed my lines, and walked in. Deolu was furious—his jaw clenched, eyes wild. But I ran into his arms and said, “Baby, I’m sorry. There was a mouse in the bathroom—I panicked and ran out.”

He pulled me close, leaned in, and whispered coldly, “I’ll deal with you later. Now behave.” Then, without another word, he shoved me towards his ‘friend’—who was suddenly all smiles again.

And as that man gripped me by the waist, pretending I was something he owned, I felt it—revulsion. Shame. Disgust. But I said nothing. Because for now, I had nowhere else to go.

hmmm


Chris:
Sometimes I still wonder how I thought that was my best option—chasing destiny in a leaking dinghy across an indifferent sea. But I did it. Young. Foolish. Vulnerable. And desperate.

The sea had become our only reality—salty, relentless, unending. We’d stopped counting days. There was no time out there, only survival. The storm had passed, but now we sat in silence, the motor long dead, our guides offering nothing but haunted looks.

People withdrew into themselves. Some just stopped responding. A boy no older than fourteen stared blankly ahead, muttering names only he understood. A woman stripped naked and jumped in, swearing she saw land. We never saw her again.

Thomas tried his best to lift spirits. “We’ll make it,” I told him—but even I didn’t believe myself anymore. Still, I had to say it—for him, if not for me.

By the fourth day, the sun was merciless. The last of the water was gone. Some turned to the sea for thirst—poison masked as relief. Others just curled up, waiting for something—rescue, death, maybe even peace.

But then, on the horizon—a shape. Small. Distant. Moving.

I nudged Thomas and pointed. “There,” I whispered.
He opened his eyes, just barely. “A boat?”

I nodded, refusing to look away. I didn’t know what it was yet. But I knew one thing.

We were not done.

hmmm

Entry 38

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Entry 39

Abby:
The house looked perfectly ordinary from the outside—calm, tasteful, framed by manicured hedges and a tall, well-oiled gate. But the moment I stepped through the front door, I felt it. Something wasn’t right.

There were too many eyes. Men in suits stood like silent statues, positioned as if part of the décor—but they weren’t guests. They were watching. Deolu’s hand tightened around mine as we walked in. It wasn’t affection. It was possession.

We were led into a lounge where his “friend” was waiting. An older man, perhaps late fifties, dressed in silk and sipping whisky from a heavy crystal tumbler. He stood when we entered, his eyes scanning me before his mouth curved into a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You’re even more stunning in person,” he said.

I didn’t respond.

Deolu did all the speaking. He was animated—boasting, laughing, showing me off like some sort of prize he’d won. I sat there, still foggy from whatever he’d slipped into my tea that morning. My body was there, but I was somewhere else.

“Let’s have a drink,” the man suggested.

I seized the moment. Mumbled something about needing the bathroom. Once inside, I locked the door, turned on the tap, and splashed cold water on my face. The girl staring back at me in the mirror looked like me, but wasn’t. Her eyes were glazed. Her lips, too red. Her spirit, muted.

Then I heard it—Deolu’s voice, sharp and rising. The older man was irritated I hadn’t come back quickly enough. Panic surged.

There was a small window above the sink. Without thinking too hard, I slipped off the heels, climbed up, and dropped down into the garden below. My ankle twisted beneath me, but adrenaline took over. I didn’t look back.

I ran. Limping, yes—but running. I didn’t know where I was going. I just knew I had to leave.

Anywhere was better than staying…..hmmmmmm

Chris:
By now, we had been drifting for days. I couldn’t even tell how many—time had lost its shape. I asked Thomas and he said, “Three.”

Only three? It felt like forever. My throat ached. Tears slid down my cheeks, and I wasn’t even crying.

We were told to ration—one bite of bread, one sip of water per day. I remember asking how long the journey would take. The guide shrugged and muttered, “Depends… maybe two, three—”

“Days?” I interrupted.

“No,” he scoffed. “Weeks.”

The storm had passed, but the stillness it left behind was worse. The motor had died in the night. The guides had gone quiet—grim-faced, barely meeting our eyes.

One of them cursed in Arabic and threw an empty bottle overboard.

Behind me, someone murmured a prayer. Others lay motionless, eyes wide and fixed on nothing, their will worn thin.

Then—hope. A dark shape in the distance. A ship? An island?

Excitement surged. People stood too fast, waving, shouting. The boat rocked violently. We pleaded with them to sit back down, to wait.

It wasn’t a ship. It was just a rock. Lifeless. Cold. We drifted past it, unnoticed, unseen.

The heat intensified. Our water ran out.

Some started drinking seawater—first out of desperation, then delusion. One woman kept whispering her mother’s name, stretching out her hand as though reaching for a ghost.

Thomas leaned towards me, voice hoarse: “If we die here… at least we tried.”

I looked at him, and something in me rebelled.

“No,” I whispered. “We’re not dying here. We’re not done yet.”

The sea said nothing. But the sky shifted, just slightly. A faint speck on the horizon. A ship? A rock? Or maybe… something divine?

I didn’t know. But I kept my eyes fixed on it. I clung to hope.

Because I knew, deep down, we were not done yet….hmmmm

ENTRY 37

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ABBY: Deolu returned that evening with a bottle of wine, a smug smile, and a bag full of luxury items. “We’re celebrating,” he announced. “My friend—the one I told you about—saw your picture and can’t wait to meet you.”

I should’ve left then. But something about the way he spoke, the way he looked at me—calm but calculated—rooted me to the spot. He pulled out a red dress, sleek and expensive, then handed me matching Louis Vuitton shoes and a handbag. I felt like a doll being dressed for show.

Then came the chain—gold, heavy—and the final touch: he opened the bedroom door, and in walked a makeup artist with a fully stocked kit. “Sit,” Deolu said. I opened my mouth to object, but the look he gave me stopped me cold. It wasn’t anger—it was possession.

He sat across from me, sipping wine, watching silently as the makeup artist transformed me. “Perfect,” he said once it was done. The artist left. And then Deolu leaned in, voice soft but chilling.

“You’re going to be a good girl now, aren’t you?”

He tilted his head, smiling slightly. “That tea I gave you this morning… I see it’s taken effect. You’re just as calm as I expected.”

I blinked. My limbs felt light, detached. I hadn’t realized it until then—how numb I’d become. My thoughts weren’t racing, my instincts muted. Whatever he gave me, it worked.

And I followed him. Like a pet. Into his car. To the house of the “friend.”……….hmmmm

CHRIS: The raft was nothing like I’d imagined. More rubber than boat, and overcrowded with seventeen people, it bounced awkwardly against the waves. When we first launched, the stars gave us some comfort—but within hours, clouds blanketed the sky, and we were swallowed by darkness.

Then came the storm.

Waves slammed against us like walls. People screamed, clawing at each other for balance. Someone fell in—a boy, maybe seventeen. We grabbed his arm, barely pulling him back in. The dinghy lurched, water rushing over the edge. People sobbed, panicked. Our guides were shouting, arguing in Arabic, trying to steer, but it was chaos.

We drifted aimlessly. No lights. No landmarks. Just wind, waves, and terror. The cold was unbearable. My teeth chattered, my body shook. But worse was what happened to some others—hypothermia set in. They began to shiver, then suddenly stopped. One woman began unbuttoning her coat, muttering that she felt too hot. We tried to stop her, but she slapped our hands away, delirious.

I closed my eyes and prayed. Dear God, I am finally crossing the water toward what I believe is my destiny… but why must it be like this? Are you sure I’ll even arrive?

And in that moment, nothing felt certain—except the vast, merciless sea beneath us.

hmmm… Please leave your comments below. Thank you

Success Doesn’t Have a Set Route — How to Walk Yours.

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We All Have Different Paths to Success: It’s Not How We Get There, But What We Do When We Finally Arrive

Success.

It’s a word thrown around like confetti, but what does it really mean?

At its core, success is personal. It’s not the flashy car, the six-figure salary, or the Instagrammable holidays — unless those things actually align with your values. Success is reaching a place where you’re proud of who you are, content with your journey, and still hungry to grow.

But here’s the part no one really talks about: everyone’s path to success looks different. There is no single route, no neat checklist. Some people sprint. Others crawl. And a lot of us wander, stumble, and double back before moving forward again.

Why We Doubt Ourselves

So many people don’t believe they can succeed — not because they aren’t capable, but because they’ve been conditioned to doubt themselves.

Maybe it’s the pressure to have it all figured out by 25.
Maybe it’s the trauma of being told they’re not “good enough”.
Maybe it’s comparing their behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel.

And sometimes, life just knocks the wind out of you. You lose someone. You fail publicly. You start over… again. It chips away at your confidence. Makes you question if success is even meant for you.

But let me tell you something: self-doubt doesn’t mean you’re not meant for greatness. It just means you’re human.

The Myth of Overnight Success

We live in a world obsessed with speed. Fast success. Fast money. Fast fame.

But most real success stories? They’re slow burns.

They’re years of unseen work. Quiet sacrifices. Showing up on days when motivation is non-existent. It’s not always pretty. It doesn’t always feel “inspiring” in the moment. Sometimes it just feels like survival.

But success rarely “takes off” in one moment. It’s gradual. It’s that steady, sometimes boring, commitment to your vision — even when no one’s clapping yet.

Don’t quit just because it’s not happening fast.
The seed doesn’t sprout the same day it’s planted. Keep watering it anyway.

When You Finally Get There — Then What?

Success isn’t a finish line. It’s a checkpoint. A place to pause, reflect, and reassess.

When you arrive at your version of success — whether it’s peace, healing, stability, impact, or financial freedom — you have a responsibility. Not to perform. But to protect it, nurture it, and stay grounded in what got you there.

Here’s how to handle success with grace:

1. See It For What It Is

Own your success. Don’t downplay it or wait for someone else to validate it. Be proud of how far you’ve come — even if you’re not “done” yet.

2. Stay You

Success can tempt you to change — to please people, to look the part, to maintain an image. But the most powerful thing you can do is stay authentically you. Don’t trade your truth for anyone’s approval.

3. Be Successful, Not Just Look It

Don’t just focus on the aesthetic of success — live it. Be kind. Be generous. Be consistent. Remember that being successful isn’t about having more, it’s about being more.

4. Sustain It

Sustaining success means staying rooted. Prioritising rest. Setting boundaries. Doing the inner work so your external wins don’t crush you internally. Keep checking in with yourself: Does this still align with my values?


Final Thought

You don’t have to run someone else’s race. Your path is yours for a reason.

And when you get to your version of “made it”? Don’t just celebrate. Own it. Make it count. Use it to help someone else believe they can get there too.

Because in the end, it’s not how we got there that matters most.
It’s what we do once we arrive. Please leave your comments below. Thank you.

Entry 37

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ABBY:
They say when someone shows you who they are, believe them. But what do you do when you want so badly to believe they’re something else?

Deolu had become my safety net—or so I thought. He helped me get a small job at a local café. Nothing fancy, just waiting tables and cleaning up, but at least it was something. I started making a little money and began to feel like I was getting back on my feet. He never asked me for anything, and that in itself felt like a miracle. He cooked sometimes, made me laugh, and was a good listener.

One night, we were walking home from the café when he stopped and said, “You know I really care about you, right?” I nodded, not sure where it was going. He continued, “I know you’ve been hurt, lied to, betrayed, and I want to help heal that—but healing has to go both ways.” I asked what he meant, and that’s when he said it.

“I want you to meet someone. He’s a friend of mine. A big guy. He runs things. All you need to do is go with him for dinner, look pretty, smile, and keep him company. No pressure, just one evening.”

My heart sank. There it is, I thought. The price tag. The hidden transaction. I kept walking in silence, and he didn’t press it. But the seed had been planted, and I knew now what Deolu really was. The question was—what was I going to do about it?…hmmmmm

CHRIS:
The last camp before the water. That’s what they called it. But it didn’t feel like any “last stop” I imagined. It was chaotic, overcrowded, and tense. People from different countries huddled around fires, some waiting days, even weeks, for their turn to cross.

The dinghies were nothing more than glorified rubber balloons. Each was meant for ten people, but they loaded fifteen, sometimes twenty. “The water is calmer at night,” the guide explained, “so we move then.”

I looked at the flimsy raft and felt my stomach twist. This wasn’t a boat—it was a gamble.

That evening, the guide approached us. “Tonight’s your chance. One raft is going. I’ve secured spots for you and Thomas. But it’s your call.”

Thomas looked at me, pale but determined. “If we’ve come this far, we might as well finish it,” he said.

We both knew what that meant—there might not be another chance. So we packed what was left of our food, tightened the straps on our backpacks, and joined the others at the shoreline.

The guide handed us two orange life jackets, most of the foam worn out. I looked out at the black sea, endless and unknowable, and I whispered to myself: This better be worth it…

hmmm…

Entry 36

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ABBY:
Deolu. The name alone still brings a mix of feelings. At the time, he was charming, confident, and sounded like he had the answers I desperately needed. We exchanged numbers and he promised to call later. True to his word, that evening he called and asked if I had a place to sleep. I hesitated, then lied and said I was staying with a friend but could use a break from the tension there. He chuckled and said, “Well then, come and cool off where there’s no tension—just me and good vibes.”

I didn’t know what else to do. I had no plan, no home, and only a few naira in my pocket. So I went. His place was modest but neat. He offered me food, a clean towel, and told me to sleep in his bed while he took the couch. “You look like you haven’t slept in peace for days,” he said. He wasn’t wrong.

The next day, he asked no questions, didn’t probe, just told me to rest. For the first time in weeks, someone wasn’t judging me or demanding anything in return. Or so I thought. It wasn’t until a few days later, when I offered to leave, that he said, “Why go when you’ve already found where you belong?” I didn’t know it yet, but I was walking into another chapter of my life that would test me in ways I never imagined.

Deolu wasn’t just some random guy. He had a past. And soon, that past would become my present…

CHRIS:
At the checkpoint, time felt like it froze. The voices of the armed guards were getting louder. They were arguing with the driver, questioning why the back of the truck was sealed tight. We could only hear muffled Arabic and the occasional swear word. The guide whispered, “Don’t breathe loud. Don’t cough. Don’t even think of moving.”

We were hidden under tarps and sacks of what smelled like onions and raw grain. The air was choking. Thomas was pressed up beside me, his shirt soaked with sweat. The girl who had ‘bought’ her way onto the truck began to tremble. I squeezed her hand lightly, just to let her know someone saw her—because I did.

Suddenly, the tarp was yanked open. A torchlight flashed across our faces. All I could think was, this is it. We’ll be arrested. Deported. Or worse.

But just as quickly, the light was turned off and the tarp dropped again. The driver must have handed over something, because the shouting stopped. A door slammed. The truck roared to life.

The guide exhaled loudly and whispered, “That was close.” We didn’t respond. We couldn’t. The fear had silenced us.

An hour later, the truck stopped and we were told to get off. “You’ve made it to the last camp before the boat,” the guide said. Relief washed over me—but only for a moment. Because we were told the next crossing was by sea, and the boat… was a dinghy.

hmmm…

How to change your Mindset-You Are Enough

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Introduction
Changing your mindset — especially when you come from a background where you constantly feel like you don’t fit, don’t sound right, or don’t belong.
For Black ethnic minorities who didn’t grow up in the UK or outside their country, this can be even harder. There’s pressure to adapt, conform, and shrink yourself. But let’s get one thing clear: you are enough as you are.


Part 1: The Mindset Trap

Let’s start with what mindset actually means.
It’s how you see yourself, your worth, your place in the world.
But too often, we inherit a mindset that tells us:

  • You’re not good enough.
  • You don’t sound “right”.
  • You should tone it down.

That mindset doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s shaped by:

  • Accents that get mocked or misunderstood.
  • Names that people can’t be bothered to learn.
  • Cultural references no one gets.
  • Being “othered” in classrooms, offices, or social settings.

And slowly, if you’re not careful, you start believing the lie:
“Maybe I’m not enough.”
“Maybe I should change to fit in.”


Part 2: How This Mindset Shows Up

Let’s be honest — this mindset shows up in real, painful ways:

  • Feeling inferior next to colleagues who seem more “polished”.
  • Second-guessing your accent, your hair, your clothes.
  • Keeping quiet in meetings, even when you know the answer.
  • Feeling like you’re constantly competing, never belonging.

It eats away at confidence and creates a silent pressure to perform, to be someone else.
That’s not self-love. That’s survival. And it’s exhausting.


Part 3: The Shift – From Insecure to Empowered

So, how do we flip the script?
How do we go from insecurity to self-belief?

Here’s the truth: it starts from within.
You don’t wait for the world to validate you. You claim your space. You own your story.

Here’s how:

  1. Catch the Narrative
    Pay attention to your self-talk. Is it kind or critical? Are you repeating what others once said about you? Challenge those thoughts.
    Say it out loud: “That’s not my voice. That’s conditioning.”
  2. Speak in Your Voice, Accent and All
    Your accent tells a story of where you’re from, what you’ve overcome. It’s not a flaw — it’s a flex. Stop shrinking it to make others comfortable.
  3. Stop Comparing, Start Honouring
    You’re not supposed to be like them. Your path is yours. Focus on growing, not copying.
  4. Connect with Your Culture
    What grounds you? Music, food, language, prayer? Tap into it. When you stay rooted, you stand taller.
  5. Say This Often: “I Am Enough.”
    Say it again: “I am enough.”
    Not when you get the promotion. Not when you perfect the accent. Not when you’re accepted.
    Right now. As you are.

Part 4: Practical Ways to Reinforce the Shift

  • Affirm daily: Write 3 things you like about yourself every morning.
  • Limit spaces that drain you: If a space constantly makes you feel “less than”, it’s not your home.
  • Find your people: Seek out community that sees you and reminds you who you are.
  • Therapy or mentoring: Talk it out with someone who understands the cultural layers.
  • Stop code-switching 24/7: You’re allowed to just be.

Closing Message: Be You. Be Proud.

To anyone who’s ever felt the pressure to change who they are just to be accepted — you don’t need to do that anymore.
You are not here to fit into a box that wasn’t built for you. You’re here to break it, reshape it, and make space for others, too.

This is your reminder:

  • Your voice is valid.
  • Your presence is powerful.
  • You are enough.
  • Be you. Be proud.

Let the world adjust to you — not the other way around. Please leave your comments below, it helps us improve and provide the content you need. Thank you

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